I’ve got to let go. Just let go. Quit holding onto something that no longer serves a purpose. Just let the fuck go.

The days are still dragging. I keep catching myself dangling in between being okay and being an outright mess. I’m trying to fight off any sense of resentment I have, but it’s hard. I just constantly keep thinking about everything I tried to do, to set us up to have the life we wanted, but where did I not realize that she didn’t want the same life that I did? Why is it that I find these people and latch myself on, give them everything I have and still not be able to see they will never be able to do the same for me? I think it comes from being blinded by “want”. I saw this person, I saw who I thought she was and there it was…a seed in my mind that grew. Fuck it was like a ficus growing at alarming rates, taking over absolutely everything. For years I’ve let her consume me and every part of everything I did, that I forgot about myself. What’s sad is that she didn’t notice either, I was still always the person she needed me to be. I keep replaying these last four years in my head and it’s hard not to resent her. I’m trying so hard, but I sacrificed so much for her and now being able to have some clarity, she never filled my cup back up. She never tried to make me the person I should be, words of encouragement only go so far. She never built me up, made me feel like I was worthy to have whatever I wanted in life. It was all for her, I was just there for her. Which is fine Bc I allowed that to happen, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing she could’ve been that person for me too. It isn’t until the breakup everyone starts coming out with their views and opinions on your relationship, but it breaks my heart into a million pieces that people were still able to witness the carelessness, mistreatment, selfishness and basically a one sided relationship that was bandaided with sweet Facebook posts that were more for attention than spreading love. I wish this wasn’t so hard. I’m reminded of her with everything I do and everywhere I go. At least this is a familiar process and I can hopefully move past it all soon. One day at a time. I will find myself again. I will find love again.

I hate not being able to run to you to talk to you. It’s so hard when the one person you wish you could run to with your feelings, is in the same position as you. I still hate all of this. I hope my heart heals soon.

I should’ve never taken the chance.

I just read through all my old asks 🙃 interesting.

What a time in my life.

❣️